The Patient in Room Nine Says He's God Read online

  The Patient in Room Nine Says He’s God

  The Patient in Room Nine Says He’s God

  Louis M. Profeta, M.D.

  Winchester, UK

  Washington, USA

  First published by O-Books, 2010

  O Books is an imprint of John Hunt Publishing Ltd., The Bothy, Deershot Lodge, Park Lane, Ropley,

  Hants, SO24 0BE, UK

  [email protected]

  www.o-books.com

  For distributor details and how to order please visit the ‘Ordering’ section on our website.

  Text copyright Louis M. Profeta 2009

  ISBN: 978 1 84694 354 6

  All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publishers.

  The rights of Louis M. Profeta as author have been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Design: Stuart Davies

  Printed in the UK by CPI Antony Rowe

  Printed in the USA by Offset Paperback Mfrs, Inc

  We operate a distinctive and ethical publishing philosophy in all areas of its business, from its global network of authors to production and worldwide distribution.

  CONTENTS

  Preface: The Search for God in the ER

  Chapter One: “The Patient in Room Nine Says He’s God”

  Chapter Two: Scotty

  Chapter Three: An Olympic Legacy

  Chapter Four: The Cosmos of the K-mart Bombing

  Chapter Five: Buddy, Can You Spare a Liver?

  Chapter Six: Stay for Breakfast, Mr. Brown

  Chapter Seven: “There’s a Cockroach in My Ear”

  Chapter Eight: A Christmas Story

  Chapter Nine: Maria, Maria... I Believe

  Chapter Ten: “Besides... I Ain’t No Russian”

  Chapter Eleven: Louis, Pick Up the Phone...It’s God

  Chapter Twelve: A Peek Under the Makeup

  Chapter Thirteen: One Man’s Hero, Another Man’s Bum

  Chapter Fourteen: The Crackhead, the Grifter, and the Pinstriped Felon

  Chapter Fifteen: Harry Carter’s Shoes

  Chapter Sixteen: I Went into Medicine for the Money

  Chapter Seventeen: Uncle Al

  Chapter Eighteen: It Doesn’t Take a Brain Surgeon to Raise a Child

  Chapter Nineteen: I’d Like to Buy a Casket for an Infant

  Chapter Twenty: “You Gave Me Forty-eight Hours”

  Chapter Twenty-one: F.O.P.

  Chapter Twenty-two: The Tylenol Anniversary

  Chapter Twenty-three: Honor Thy Mother and Father

  Chapter Twenty-four: From the Mouths of Babes

  Chapter Twenty-five: “Hey Buddy... You Don’t Belong Here”

  Chapter Twenty-six: Bowl Away

  Chapter Twenty-seven: www.helpme

  Chapter Twenty-eight: “I Treat Everyone the Same”

  Chapter Twenty-nine: “You Don’t Understand...I am Going to Die”

  Chapter Thirty: “Stop Him”

  Chapter Thirty-one: The Rich Get the Worst Medical Care

  Chapter Thirty-two: Crop Dusting with Prozac

  Chapter Thirty-three: “The Best Doctor in the World”

  Chapter Thirty-four: Can You See God Through a Video Lens?

  Epilogue

  Preface

  The Search for God in the ER

  As I grew older and had kids of my own, I was faced with a myriad of robust questions that percolate through the neurons of most men and women as they reach middle age, pouring out of me in a dark, bottomless cup of self-inquiry, introspection.

  “Why am I here?”

  “Is this all there is to my life?”

  “How much time do I have left?”

  “Is there really a God . . . and where can I find him . . . or her for that matter?”

  So much of Judaism, and most religions, for that matter, focus on us finding God in our everyday lives: from a small, clear stream, to a full moon, to a child’s sweet smile. But like any good thing, such sensations become just more of the same. In a lot of ways, godly creations as such heavenly wonders like the raspberry, the scent of an orchid, and the simple spider web become like the sound of an air conditioner or traffic outside our window: the background noise of life that eventually goes unnoticed.

  For someone like me, a pure adrenalin junky who thrives on chaos, controversy, and constant motion fed by caffeine to feel alive, finding God in natural settings proved problematic . . . even impossible. No matter how hard I tried, pausing to ponder nature, the gift of life, and the complexities of the ground under foot, the air conditioners of the natural world quickly faded into the background.

  So, I stopped and redirected my search, looking at the world I knew best: the ER. If God is really around us, then certainly I could find God in the world of which I am most familiar. It wasn’t until I really took stock of the numerous bizarre incidents and the web of subtle relationships that shaped my private and public life as an ER doctor that I realized that all along, God was there: sometimes as a colleague offering needed advice, in the sad look of a child’s eyes, or an addict’s trembling hand. More often it was a breath of conscience and reason, a voice telling me to pay attention, or a calming hand on the shoulder or a pat on the back.

  It was not until I looked carefully that I realized God is not hidden at all. It just takes time, patience, and a bit of energy to develop the mental focus to find him/her in our daily lives. It’s like mushroom hunting: it may take you years to finally find one, but once the visual pattern of what you’re looking for becomes imprinted in your brain, you realize they’re everywhere.

  I found God’s hand at work in an accidental meeting that years later saved a child’s life, in a missed breakfast that took another’s, in the passing of a beloved aunt that taught me forgiveness. I found God in a biker’s swastika tattoo, in a coma patient’s recovery on Christmas Eve, in the voice that saved an ignored patient’s life. I found God at a funeral and in the widower’s claim that I gave him “forty-eight hours” with his wife. I even found God on an emergency call to a bowling alley with the frames rolling on. Most of all, I realized that God does not need to be found at all: He is everywhere, right in front of your face; he is the stuff that makes up our stuff and all the other stuff in our universe.

  This is a collection of stories about my search for God, and how I found him in one of the most emotionally charged environments imaginable: the Emergency Room. By now, I suspect he’s somewhat tired of hearing from me, but as long as the calls are free, and the phone number is public knowledge... Well, I think I’ll keep calling and waiting to see if his caller I.D. shows up on my life recorder. I’m sure it will.

  Chapter One

  “The Patient in Room Nine Says He’s God”

  These words rolled off the nurse’s tongue with an odd familiarity and ease. She might as well just have said, “The patient in Room Nine has a sore throat.” She casually handed me the chart, then gave me a look like “I didn’t sign up for this.” Her mouth flashed a tight, linear smile. I glanced at my watch and knew without looking. It was 3:00 A.M. These patients always came in at 3:00 A.M. And it was always at the height of the December flu season when the halls were decked with the ill, the dying, the beaten, and the depressed. I just wanted a few minutes to breathe, perhaps eat a donut; I deserved at least that bit of respite. I glanced over at the nurses’ station; if I didn’t hurry, only the sugared jellies would be left. I hated jelly donuts. I scanned the chart and looked
up at her.

  “Really? Why not the mailman or the gas meter guy?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?” she asked, unsure of the point I was trying to make.

  “I mean, why is it that every nut case is God, Jesus, Satan, or the king of England? Why do they always have to be some government agent or a super secret spy that communicates with aliens or talks to the president through the TV? Why is it they never come into the ER, look around, and whisper, “Pssst, I’m the meterman? Don’t tell anyone,” or “I’m the cook at Burger King.” What is wrong with reading meters, flipping burgers, or delivering newspapers for that matter . . . or even bagging groceries at the local supermarket?”

  “Yeah, just once I wish it was God,” she said. I grunted in agreement, grabbed the chart and headed down to Room Nine. For a fleeting moment, though, her remark made me pause.

  Seven, eight, nine. I stopped outside the thick fireproof door. The warm steel handle felt oddly familiar in my hand, sort of like walking into my house.

  There is an interesting Judaic legend that tells of 36 Tzadikim Nistarim or hidden, just men. These men are often described as impoverished, homeless wanderers. Many of them do not even know they have been picked by God to bear the sorrow and the sins of the entire planet. When one dies, he is immediately replaced by another.

  As long as there is a replacement, then God will spare the world from destruction. But should one no longer be found worthy of being a hidden, righteous man, then the world will end. I would certainly like to think this tale also translates to righteous women as well, but I am merely repeating the legend.

  More important, I truly believe the purpose of such tales is to serve as a reminder that we know not the substance or the soul of the person with whom we come into contact. What a tragic legacy if we should be brought before God, and he sits us down in front of a projector screen to play back the scenes of our lives. Lo and behold! We come into contact with one of the righteous 36. We passed him on the street and thought him a bum, ignoring his outstretched hand. We scoffed at his pain. We ignored his fears. We failed as physicians to comfort when we should have been beacons of hope.

  About three years ago, I think I met one of the 36. It was the early hours of the morning and we were very busy. I can’t recall her name or where she came from, but for a brief moment, I saw her . . . then I saw her again for real.

  Medical centers spend millions upon millions of dollars on children’s hospitals and child cancer wings, as they should, though the proportion of hospital resources and commercials featuring sick kids seem excessive. Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I completely support child-health initiatives. It’s just that, for every sick child I put into the intensive care unit, I will admit fifty adults over the age of sixty. Hospital administrators and charitable trusts understand that ill children sell. Snake a tube through a sick child’s nose and throw him in front of a camera with a sports hero and, Bang! The dollars fly with instant cash contributions and television coverage. Let’s be realistic. A ninety-year-old unresponsive, septic, demented lady in a diaper with Alzheimer’s and bed sores does not make for good TV. They don’t even make the cut for the television show ER. When was the last time you saw footage of the Dodgers visiting a nursing home or a geriatric ward? When was the last time the Detroit Pistons were at their local dialysis center passing out jerseys and hats? How often do the New England Patriots visit long-term care or retirement centers?

  I have a theory that God judges us not so much on how we care for the children, but how we care for the elderly. The child is easy: He or she immediately garners our sympathies. With a quick glance we feel sorrow, compassion. Our hearts ache and our throats knot up as our eyes fill with tears. This is because we are inherently driven to care for the young, to put them under our wing, to shelter them from pain, despair, and harm. The elderly . . . they require work. When I encountered one of the 36 righteous men, I did not recognize ‘her’. She was elderly, ill, and disheveled. She had been sent from a nursing home with a spurious reputation. She smelled of soiled undergarments, and her mouth was cracked and dried. She had a dirty catheter extending from her bladder. Her nails were long and unkempt. The elderly woman’s hair was white, greasy, and matted to her head. Flakes of dry skin encrusted her hairline.

  I hurried into the room with an assembly line sense of importance. I scanned her nursing home chart. I made note of her past history of dementia, sepsis, congestive heart failure, and chronic urinary tract infections. I flew through my exam, no problem. An old, dry, septic catheter urine infection: Antibiotics, call her doc, and make the room ready for the next patient. That was when I truly saw ‘her’.

  I was leaving the room and glanced up at her lying in the bed. I saw her again. Only that time, she was a child: a soft, clean, vibrantly innocent child. She was playing on a porch somewhere in the Midwest during the 1920s. A small rag doll danced and flayed as she clutched it in her hand. She laughed with her barefoot brother, who was clad in overalls. He chased her around the yard with a grasshopper on his finger. She screamed with laughter. Her father watched from the porch in a wooden rocker, laughing while Mom gently scolded her brother. That was when I saw her taking a ride for the first time in an automobile. It was a small pickup with wooden panels driven by a young man with wavy curls. He smiled gently at her while she sat staring at the road ahead, her hands folded in her lap, clutching a small beaded purse.

  That was when I saw her standing in a small church. She was dressed in white cotton, holding hands with the young man, and saying, “I do.” Her mom watched with tearful eyes. Her dad had since passed. Her new husband lifted her across the threshold, holding her tight. He promised to love and care for her forever. Her life was enriched, happy.

  That was when I saw her cradling her infant, cooking breakfast, hanging sheets, loving her family, sending her husband off to war, and her child to school.

  That was when I saw her welcoming her husband back from battle with a hug that lasted the rest of his life. She buried him on a Saturday under an elm, next to her father. She married off her child and spent her later years volunteering at church functions. In time, she lost her friends and disappeared into the nursing home as her mind and her family slowly faded away.

  That was when I saw her as a reflection of God: a righteous, pious spirit trapped, crying for help, crying for comfort and dignity. So I went back and put my hand on her cheek. I told her, “I am here. I will take care of you.” Though there was no response, I talked about my kids, the weather, how Reggie Miller lit up the Knicks, and how sorry I was that she had to go through all of this discomfort. I helped the nurse clean her off. We washed and combed her hair, scrubbed and gently massaged her hands, and offered her a brief visit into the past.

  That was the day my eyes were opened. I didn’t know why, it just happened. It was the day I saw a person, not a patient. I saw a soul, not a sickness.

  I took a deep breath, and as the door handle fell and the light from the room escaped into the hall, all I could think was, “If you’re God, do I have some stories to tell you.”

  Chapter Two

  Scotty

  He was the bravest kid I have ever known. I, on the other hand, was an awkward coward, especially around girls. He walked through our young lives with confidence I could only envy and dream of emulating. His name was Scotty, and he was perhaps one of my best boyhood friends. He was short, kind of dumpy, not athletic, an average student, but he had the heart and presence of a Bengal tiger. He was always pushing the envelope: egging houses, playing ding-dong-ditch, sneaking a beer. He would blow up small items with firecrackers, tell outrageous stories about the kids in the neighborhood, and find mischief in something as innocuous as a piece of cake.

  While I was always looking around to see who was watching, he charged onward with reckless abandonment. He was a good, pure-of-heart kid, though. He never picked on anyone or teased anybody. The wretched refuse of grade school and junior high were drawn to him like rats to
cheese. His younger brother Clark was attached at the hip and they, in all practicality, were an inseparable tandem, Scotty and Clark. Scotty had a way with the opposite sex. He could walk up to any girl, no matter how gorgeous and beyond reproach, strike up a conversation and ask her out on a date. Not bad for a thirteen-year-old. Of course, he was rejected most of the time, but darned if he didn’t show up for the game. Most of the time, rejection just seemed to make him all the more determined. We had a symbiotic relationship; I was the cleaner fish and he was the shark. I would live vicariously through his self-confidence, and in return, I cleaned up his messes (or beat the daylights out of anyone who would dare pick on him). Carl learned that lesson in science class.

  Carl was everything that Scotty wasn’t. He was a disturbed kid who, back at Eastwood Junior High School, was labeled ‘a hood’. In seventh grade Carl had shoulder-length hair; he wore black tank tops, Colorado hiking boots, a leather wrist band, and carried a wallet chained to his belt. A pack of cigarettes adorned his front pocket. He was always in fights and seemed mad at the world. He was small for his age and spent his youth aiming to prove himself. When I look back, I feel sad for Carl. I can now only imagine his home life, and as a physician, I understand him better.

  For some reason during science class one day when the teacher was out of the room, he decided to single Scotty out for a lesson. He poked fun at him, cursed him, called him “fat boy”, slapped him on the back of the head, and so on. He made a spectacle of Scotty in front of the other kids, and all Scotty could do was sit back and take his ridicule. Scotty was not a fighter, and he was certainly no match for Carl. He just did not have the anger in him. I, on the other hand, did. When I told Carl to leave him alone, he turned his attention to me, which was a big mistake for both of us. I was always looking for a fight myself, a cause of the day, and Carl seemed the perfect target.